SEC Futbol

I'll be the first to admit it:  I don't know d*** about soccer.  I've been told it has three rules.  Don't use your hands.  Run constantly. And apparently it is also a sport that doesn't approve of the fast break.  OH, LOOK WE HAVE A NUMERICAL ADVANTAGE AND WE'RE RUNNING DOWN THE FIELD, OH WAIT CAN'T SCORE NOW, GOTTA WAIT FOR EVERYONE TO CATCH UP.  If you had these rules in the NBA Lebron James would be Detlief Schrempf.  I don't know how to spell his name, just like Lebron doesn't know how to slow down his 4.2 40 when he's on his way to the hoop.  It's un'merican.

Speaking of un'merican, HOW THE HELL DO YOU TIE.  HOW IS THIS A RULE.  THERE IS A WINNER AND THERE IS A LOSER.  THAT IS HOW GAMES ARE PLAYED. You do not tie, or draw which is apparently "tie" in the queen's Anglish.  It's a GAME.  You should allow a WINNER and a LOSER.  If there is a tie you should go to penalty kicks immediately.  And by "penalty kicks" I mean a Hunger Games scenario where in the center of the field (WHICH APPARENTLY IS CALLED A PITCH) there are weapons and one, standard issue Jennifer Lawrence.  You can run to the center and try to steal weapons to kill the other players, but you cannot touch Jennifer Lawrence because she's the eight ball.  If you kill her, then you automatically lose because she's America's Ditzy Sweetheart and NO ONE MESSES WITH 'MERICAN ARCHTYPES.

Furthermore, let's talk about the fact that 'merica is not dominating at this sport.  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE.  When Asian and European children are busy mathing, we're busy playing stupid games like basketball and baseball and the ultimate metaphor for life/business/equity markets football.  Some kids play soccer, but then they quit when they realize their exquisite conditioning doesn't get you a date to prom.  What gets you a date to prom is being the 6'1 rocket arm quarterback that is going to to a SEC school, not being the best at free kicks or penalty kicks or corner kicks or whatever the hell happens when someone falls down like there's a sniper in the stadium.  Football is and should always be king.

But lets think about this together:  What if the SEC truly embraced soccer?  What if when moms and dads are tired of their children dying of TBI they sue the crap out of football and it ceases to exist?  What if in this dystopian future (just prior to the "Genetic Wars" of 2047 and distantly prior to the rise of the sentient Giraffe Lords of the 22nd century) Tiger Stadium is filled with fans for soccer games?  What if in this cruel awful world players like Patrick Peterson aren't dynamic, shut down corners but rather unstoppable (fill in soccer position)s?  Patrick Peterson is the ultimate athlete, and he probably has the foot eye coordination to dominate whoever this Ronaldo character is.  Imagine an alternative, J J Abrams like universe where the US National Team is composed of:

Lebron James- center part of the field human
Patrick Peterson- slightly left of center part of the field human
Drew Brees- slightly right of center part of the field human
Derrick Rose- obligatory amazingly talented but injury ridden player
MEGATRON- Forward?
Adrian Peterson- Aft Skipper
Chris Bosh- inexplicably dinosaur looking soccer player
Charles Barkley, circa 1992- the guy who will "fight a motherf**ker" and get a red index card
Kobe Bryant- BLACK MAMBA
Gary Payton- guy who can inexplicably use his hands who stands near the netting
Brad Wing- Actual person who can kick the ball with the swagger of a skill player
George Clooney-  Guy who stands in a suit and is called "Coach" but doesn't really do that.

Now I can see that this could lead to some issues.  They won't play as a team, they all have egos, is this the 2004 games all over again?  I just don't think so.  I just think that they're amazing athletic ability, honed over decades of soccer teachings would make them the most amazing team in all of history.  They would disband the World Cup because 'merica would win them all forever.  You think soccer's hard?  Let's just put Messi in pads and see him not get tackled for loss.  Won't happen.

So all of this to say, 'merica is the sleeping giant of soccer.  Will lawsuits be our Pearl Harbor and awaken us from our slumber so that we turn into a super pissed off dragon that got kicked in the dragon genitals by Zeus himself?  Perhaps.  But all I know is this:

USAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSUSASECSECSECSECSECSECSECSECSECSECSECRAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR

The Only Revenge You Have Is Time. And Neural Degredation.

Well damn everything to hell.  You choose.  I choose Aaron Murray.  But really I dont have to choose because he's already chosen because he's going to die at 55 of either early Alzheimer's or a self inflicted gunshot wound.  Look.  I'm not being nasty, I'm just stating facts.  Everyone you see on that field today has a shorter life expectancy than you.  Yeah you.  You who chug alcohol, smoke cigarettes, do various drugs, make sex to various copatriots.  You will live a longer life because you don't go toe to toe with Mack trucks every day.  Again, I'm not being rude, this is a statement of facts.  If you blocked out one day a week and just sat in a car while it was a crash test dummy for g-d damn  Nissan Versa don't you think you'd die earlier?   My point exactly.

What I'm getting to is that I'd highly inebriated and done with college football.  I tried to break my phone today.  I really did.  I threw it against three walls, I threw it on my table, I threw it against the beautiful wood trim of my couch.  nothing broke it.  I then decided, f-ck it all, and took dishes out of my cupboard and went upstairs and threw them off my balcony shouting "f-ck you Death, my B-tch lover." So what if I dont have enough cups for a pleasant dinner party for 8.  At least I vented.

Look, all I have to say is that the season is over.  Mettendouche is going to throw for 40 touchdowns since the SEC gave up playing defense for lent and the rest of the offense will do the same.  All we will be left with is the gaping hole that is left when massively great expectations are certainly crushed.

Aaron Murray, go to hell. And the rest of Georgia, you can go to hell with him.

A Belated Week in Review

-  SEC play started and it felt like it never did.  Seriously, Awwburn used to be a huge game.  Now it felt like we should be paying the poor b-stards for showing up.
-  Fact:  If there is ever a hurricane headed for Louisiana, let's just trot out Jeremy Hill.  He will march straight into that f-cker and run so hard the rain will stop.
-  Jawja.  Great work with North Texas.  I may regret taunting you, but seriously, that was embarrassing.
-  And where the hell do you think you're going, Bama?  BUT PAWWWWWWWWWWLLLL I BET SBAN WAS JESS TRYIN NOT TO 'BARRASS HIS OLD OFFENSIVE CO'RDINATER. False.  This would have been the perfect time for Saban to open up the box that all people like he has, and that box is called "insults that you forgot, but f-ck you I remember them."  Jordan has one.  I bet Saban has one.  And if he were truly dominant as a football coach/team, he would have gone for two when they were up by 40 and then stared across the field, pointing, "The Shining" style, while muttering the words "THAT WAS FOR UAB."
-  How did the narrative of the LSU game turn from "LSU, apparently not the Swamp People of College Football we thought three weeks ago" to "LSU, why are you not sharpening that knife so you can disembowel your opponents?"  I agree, I like a good throat/skull stomping...but seriously...LSU won in a convincing fashion against a team not named "(state name) State" or "(Cardinal compass direction) (state name)"
-  Why does love always feel like a battlefield, Jordin Sparks?  Because no matter how much you love your team, your quarterback will occasionally show you all the things you hated from a year ago and just throw and awful, awful pick.  THAT'S WHY, SO GO AND GET YOUR ARMOR.
-  Have I watched this Lady Gaga commercial will the chipmunks 25 times?  Yes.  Is there something wrong with that?  Better Question:  Is there something wrong with beauty?  Because that's really what you're asking.  -  Have you ever drank so much that you got embarrassed that you were embarrassed about your drinking?  No reason, just asking.

iOS and the New LSU Offense

Team,

Just downloaded the new update for the iPhone.  This looks like a bad Lady Gaga video.  Don't get me wrong; I believe that pastels were God's way of showing us that he cares about us and that He wants summer time to be both fashionable and comfortable.  He is an accommodating God, and he wants the best for us.  But seriously, am I the only that wants to eat my iPhone everytime I unlock it?  Everything looks like a really delicious treat that you would give a child.  It's brightly colored, and dynamic, and moves around.  It's like a candy cane made of crack.  Sweet, delicious crack.

Now, we all know that Apple did away with making things look like real life things.  Like the planner or the calculator.  They looked like sh-t that you would see in real life.  This is called a "skeumorph," a word you don't know the meaning of until now because the American educational system has failed you, and thus, you are a dumb-ss.  But they did away with that.  So how do you make a calculator not look like a calculator?  Pastels, b-tches.  That's how.  And you make the numbers not squares but squares with rounded edges because who that g-dd-mn f-ck would make a calculator with squares with rounded edges for buttons?  That's how you do it.

Which leads me, obviously, to the LSU offence.  This is the same hardware as the previous iteration.  Same strong armed quarterback, same platoon of evil large men who enjoy contact and love to "rumble" down the field.  But in comes Cam Cameron, which if you've been in Baltimore and somehow listened to sports radio during that time you will think is a sign of the g-dd-mn apocolypse.  No one, and I mean no one in this town thinks that that man should have respect.  They treat him like the crazy uncle at Thanksgiving.  "Oh, there's uncle Cam again, taking his pants off, just letting it all hang out because it's turkey carving time which means everyone needs to see his dong."  That is what Baltimore thinks of Cam Cameron.  They believe that this man is a a gift from God, if that God were vengeful, hateful, and wanted to destroy you by taking away your pint size running back and making him run screens.  So he comes to LSU, and place that has been mired in offensive impotence for as long as I care to remember.  And he just whips out this vertical passing game and multiple formations.  These are things that don't belong on an LSU team.  These are the squares with rounded edges on your calculator.  And guess what?  It feels wierd to be like, you know, maybe I like squares with rounded edges on my calculator, but really the square root of 25 is still 5 so maybe a W is a W WHOCARESGEAUXTIGERSRAWWWWWWWWWWR.

And that's how iOS is like the New LSU offense.

Game of the Week (sadly): LSU vs. Auburn
Winner:  The Tigers (hahahahahahahahahaha that joke is so horrible we should go back in time and euthanize the first person who came up with it, unless it's the grandpa who tells you stories about "the war" because that man is a veteran and he should be respected.
Loser:  All of America for having to watch this terrible game.
Hopeful Final Score: Apple Stock price when Steve Jobs died vs. Apple stock price now.

Week 3 Thoughts

-  So the SEC has decided to do its best BIG 12 impression and just be all like "oh lets play defens- HAHA just kidding lets just arm tackle"
-  Prediction:  The most devastating injury to the Alabama Defense will be a massive stroke to TGS after watching his defense give up another 400 yard game.
-  There was a moment when JFF escaped a sack and just whipped the ole magic bean to really no one in particular who then caught it that I said to myself "He is The One."  Then he just lofted up a really well thrown interception and thought, Back into the Battery factory, Neo
-  Whoever referreed the Wisconsin- ASU game would have been killed in most soccer loving countries.  And I think Wisconsin fans agree this is the only appropriate retribution.
-  I've said it before and I'll say it again:  The only true winners in the Wisconsin-ASU game are interventional cardiologist and cardiac surgeons.
-  LSU:  Glad we too have given up defense for Lent.
-  Have Zach Mettenberger and Drew Brees traded places, ala Parent Trap?  If so, is Sean Payton the daddy?  Yes, yes he is.
-  Final score of the LSU Alabama game:  LSU 65 Alabama 62.
-  Final score of the LSU AM game:  LSU: Dow Jones Composite, AM: Nasdaq.

Recruitment of the Five-Star Mathlete

Oh, hi there.  Didn't see you voyeuristic-ally looking in.  But it's OK, I loved it.  

Been a while since I've written something.  Football season started and, boys, it's getting super hott right now, like bacon grease wrapped in a supernova hott.  WHOOO BABY, SEMI-ANNUAL GAME OF THE CENTURY TIME BABY. we talkin' bout some SEC GROWN -SS MAN HIDE YO KIDS HIDE YO WIFE-HUMAN FOOTBALL.  Little JOHNNY F-CKIN FOOTBALL (JFF) just slangin' dolla dolla bills all over Saban/TGS (The Great Satan).  And TGS loves it so much, he asks for an autograph, does that thing that little kids do when they ask for a high five and go "PSYCH!" and when he does it one of his android linebackers destroys JFF.  @JManziel2, hashtag I'mabrickandi'mdrowningslowly.

But lets talk about real sh-t.  I'm talking about recruiting violations.  Talkin' bout Crazy Leslie slangin aforementioned dolla bills at high schoolers, hollerin' at the finest girls the Midwest has to offer (which is...Warren Buffett? I really don't know what Midwestern girls look like.  So I'm going to assume they look like an 80 year old bajillionaire) askin' 'em to make sex to these here recruits 'cause, y'all we gotta win us a championship.  

Sports Illustrated.  You can't have it both ways.  Les Miles is either a mentally handicapped football coach who has to wear a high hat so tight on his head because he still has an open fontanel and the old brain parts might spill out if he doesn't have it strapped on REAAAAAAAAAAL TIGHT or is he a smooth talking time wizard who can orchestrate a fundraising/grade-giving/sex-making recruiting machine for only the choicest recruits, which if true and it was hidden for like 10 years means that it was not only like planning D-Day every year but also recreating an Enigma machine to keep it all super double secret.  

Answer:  THAT IS NOT LES MILES.  Neither is it Mike "I'm a man, I'm damn near 50" Gundy.  That man is too busy trying to ward off an impending stroke from watching his team give up a thirty spot to UTSA, which is a borderline offensive name with Texas trying to just butt its way into USA.  But lets be honest, that's so Texas.  

But lets hit some more real talk:  This ALLEGED (and this is the type of "alleged" reserved for court rooms and Ray Lewis murders) impropriety actually isn't really that bad.  Gnaw on this piece of thought-jerky for a moment: 

As a basis of comparison, the five star mathletes at LSU can get the following scholarhip: 

1.  A job provided by the university that they barely go to (and when that human did they listed to that hott new Outkast CD.  HEEEEY YAAAAAH) and still got paid for (which was much more than $50 for a forced fumble, because, Louisiana...corruption...OPEC) 

2.  A stipend that paid for beer or football tickets or fraternity dues or something.

3.  Free room and board

4.  TAs or Professors if for whatever reason they needed them.

5.  A cool five hundo or a grand (not really sure which) if you were a valedictorian

6.  No sex or drugs, but really, at LSU all you have to do is "be alive" and you can acquire ample supplies of both.  

It almost makes one feel bad for student athletes.  Which is probably why I (I MEAN SOMEONE) did Matt Flynn's portion of a presentation when we (I MEAN THAT PERSON AND MATT FLYNN) were in a small group.  RUHROW NCAA VIOLATION.  

Also, you can get paid for all of your brain-work unlike athletes who can't get paid for autographs.  Granted tutoring the ACT aint as glamorous as getting carpel tunnel from signing 600 autographs, but it pays roughly the same.  And probably as much effort, because how do you tutor the verbal section of the ACT?  IT'S READING.  ARE YOU LITERATE? THEN LITERATE THIS PORTION OF THE TEST AND YOU WILL BE FINE.  Facts.  

So while maybe not being an athlete won't make you a million dollars a year, if you're smart enough to be a five-star mathlete you might not be ridin' dirty on twenties or whatever size of axle-wheel-attachment is hott on the streets, you'll probably do just fine.  Or alternatively if you're that smart, you may just make all of the money.  Look at the Dow Jones.  From what I hear it's just crushing the NASDAQ or Yen or something, and if you put like a dollar in it now it's going to be worth $100 million when you're 67.  #economics.  You also don't get 20-30 years of life expectancy just snatched up because your job description for 5-15 years was standing in front of semis and you know, just sort of trying to (often unsuccessfully) dodge them.  Now, no one is going to be able to figure out Terry Bradshaw pre and post TBI because, seriously, have you listened to the man? But he knows, and so would you if you job was akin to just hanging out at truck stops and running in front of Mack Trucks yelling "SURPRISE" when they pulled up for some gas and, lets be honest, some meth.  

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Game of the Week:  TEXA$ AM vs. the Bigoted Arsehole of Mainland America (BAMA)

Oregon Trail Pick:  Bama by a wagon axle

Over/Under of Shots of AJ Macaroon's Girlfriend Being Successful at Attractiveness: 5, or as many as "The Musberger" demands

Ideal Game Outcome: Day After Tomorrow or Armageddon on the stadium during the game.  I will also settle for "The Core" and the ending of "Numbers" if only relegated to College Station

Star of the Game: National Institutes of Health, Traumatic Brain Injury researcher Scott Janis, PhD

The Pain of Allegiance

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