I'll be the first to admit it: I don't know d*** about soccer. I've been told it has three rules. Don't use your hands. Run constantly. And apparently it is also a sport that doesn't approve of the fast break. OH, LOOK WE HAVE A NUMERICAL ADVANTAGE AND WE'RE RUNNING DOWN THE FIELD, OH WAIT CAN'T SCORE NOW, GOTTA WAIT FOR EVERYONE TO CATCH UP. If you had these rules in the NBA Lebron James would be Detlief Schrempf. I don't know how to spell his name, just like Lebron doesn't know how to slow down his 4.2 40 when he's on his way to the hoop. It's un'merican.
Speaking of un'merican, HOW THE HELL DO YOU TIE. HOW IS THIS A RULE. THERE IS A WINNER AND THERE IS A LOSER. THAT IS HOW GAMES ARE PLAYED. You do not tie, or draw which is apparently "tie" in the queen's Anglish. It's a GAME. You should allow a WINNER and a LOSER. If there is a tie you should go to penalty kicks immediately. And by "penalty kicks" I mean a Hunger Games scenario where in the center of the field (WHICH APPARENTLY IS CALLED A PITCH) there are weapons and one, standard issue Jennifer Lawrence. You can run to the center and try to steal weapons to kill the other players, but you cannot touch Jennifer Lawrence because she's the eight ball. If you kill her, then you automatically lose because she's America's Ditzy Sweetheart and NO ONE MESSES WITH 'MERICAN ARCHTYPES.
Furthermore, let's talk about the fact that 'merica is not dominating at this sport. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE. When Asian and European children are busy mathing, we're busy playing stupid games like basketball and baseball and the ultimate metaphor for life/business/equity markets football. Some kids play soccer, but then they quit when they realize their exquisite conditioning doesn't get you a date to prom. What gets you a date to prom is being the 6'1 rocket arm quarterback that is going to to a SEC school, not being the best at free kicks or penalty kicks or corner kicks or whatever the hell happens when someone falls down like there's a sniper in the stadium. Football is and should always be king.
But lets think about this together: What if the SEC truly embraced soccer? What if when moms and dads are tired of their children dying of TBI they sue the crap out of football and it ceases to exist? What if in this dystopian future (just prior to the "Genetic Wars" of 2047 and distantly prior to the rise of the sentient Giraffe Lords of the 22nd century) Tiger Stadium is filled with fans for soccer games? What if in this cruel awful world players like Patrick Peterson aren't dynamic, shut down corners but rather unstoppable (fill in soccer position)s? Patrick Peterson is the ultimate athlete, and he probably has the foot eye coordination to dominate whoever this Ronaldo character is. Imagine an alternative, J J Abrams like universe where the US National Team is composed of:
Lebron James- center part of the field human
Patrick Peterson- slightly left of center part of the field human
Drew Brees- slightly right of center part of the field human
Derrick Rose- obligatory amazingly talented but injury ridden player
MEGATRON- Forward?
Adrian Peterson- Aft Skipper
Chris Bosh- inexplicably dinosaur looking soccer player
Charles Barkley, circa 1992- the guy who will "fight a motherf**ker" and get a red index card
Kobe Bryant- BLACK MAMBA
Gary Payton- guy who can inexplicably use his hands who stands near the netting
Brad Wing- Actual person who can kick the ball with the swagger of a skill player
George Clooney- Guy who stands in a suit and is called "Coach" but doesn't really do that.
Now I can see that this could lead to some issues. They won't play as a team, they all have egos, is this the 2004 games all over again? I just don't think so. I just think that they're amazing athletic ability, honed over decades of soccer teachings would make them the most amazing team in all of history. They would disband the World Cup because 'merica would win them all forever. You think soccer's hard? Let's just put Messi in pads and see him not get tackled for loss. Won't happen.
So all of this to say, 'merica is the sleeping giant of soccer. Will lawsuits be our Pearl Harbor and awaken us from our slumber so that we turn into a super pissed off dragon that got kicked in the dragon genitals by Zeus himself? Perhaps. But all I know is this:
USAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSUSASECSECSECSECSECSECSECSECSECSECSECRAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR
