Mama always knows best. That’s what we’re told ever since we popped out of the womb. Here’s some fast facts: Mama probably don’t know sh-t. Just because you gestate and give live birth to a human being doesn’t imbue you with some sort of crazy ability to know sh-t about life. That woman that you are half a part of is still just as fallable and foolish as she was before old girl got knocked up. But most importantly, mama’s probably still pretty damn selfish.
Now I’m not blaming all of this Gunner Kiel non-sense on his mama but I figure why not blame most of it on her (also this is a clear tip off when you name your child “Gunner.” Yeah I get it it’s probably a nickname, but this is the first name that people go with in the papers. They’re not like John “Gunner” Kiel. They are straight up like Gunner Kiel. No quotation marks, basically saying, “We don’t know what kind of weird sh-t they stuffed into mama’s epidural but all we could make out postpartum were “Ice Cream Bandit Salad” and “Gunner.” Since, legally “Ice Cream Bandit Salad” is hard to put on a birth certificate we went with “Gunner.””). So congratulations, you named your child after what is widely renounced as the worst time of human being in an academic environment, but you also, shocker, happen to love the sh-t out of this retirement plan.
ALL OF THIS ASSUMES that he actually does that thing where the throws the ball real good and makes you a crap ton of cash. He could blow up like Ryan Perrilloux who, lets be honest, would probably consider Fourth Meal shift at Taco Bell a huge career opportunity at the moment. The ability to cash in on this retirement plan means that mama’s gotta help baby bird not f-ck up his sh-t. And, boy, when she saw her baby boy start packing his bags and head down south for a “great college experience” she probably saw visions of cleat chasers and booze filled parties that she probably was and loved, respectively. Cause that’s one thing human experience teaches you: Booze is awesome. And if you get within a ten mile radius of a single good time when drinking you are hooked like…ok well I guess like the addiction that is alcoholism. Cool story, bro. And while having a lineman fall on your arm will ruin a career, just ask Justin Vincent how fast Bogies will end one.
Anyway, so mama couldn’t reason with baby boy Gunner so she did what most men are powerless in the face of: Cry. I have to consider myself an exception because rather than be powerless in front of female tears, my dark heart chooses to feast on them. But I digress. Gunner is probably powerless before these (like most men) and was all like “aww mama, you know I couldn’t leave you” and gives her this long hug and she does that thing where she sniffles but looks at the non-existent camera and smiles. Smiles because she is a b-tch.
See, mama Gunner probably couldn’t get past one thing: Notre Dame is a good school with great tradition. To reverse genders for this sweet ass analogy, they are the handsome doctor or lawyer moms always want their daughters to merry. LSU is one of two things: in her mind it’s probably the handsome rapscallion that collects virginities as it collects student loan debt. But in reality, it’s probably the nice guy that ain’t too smart, and prooooolly taaaaawks like theeeeeiiiiissss, because LSU is full of idiots who can’t speak English. TRUTHBOMB B-TCH: I WENT TO LSU AND MY DICTION IS IMPECCABLE. I PURPOSELY TRY TO UNLEARN FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASSES BECAUSE I CONSIDER ALL NON-ENGLISH “THE LANGUAGE OF THE ENEMY.” So naturally, given both these archtypes she shoos her baby boy away and tells him to go to Notre Dame, the ideal husband. Fact: Some of the most pathologic and depraved human beings I have ever met were classmates I met in medical school. While the cover of this book says "Really Great Husband" the subtitle is probably: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piVnArp9ZE0. To quote House when he talks to that superhott Cameron replacement: “That look of shock is elitist and offensive. Doctors can be degenerates too. This is America.”
This IS 'merica, mama Gunner. You should let your boy choose. Don’t shackle your retirement eagle with your predilection for “proper higher education.” As your son would have learned at LSU, sometimes you have to “just let it happen.”
No comments:
Post a Comment