Schadenfreude: The Most Awesome Emotion Ever

(Quick aside: This only applies to those who taunted me over the past two weeks. To the rest of you, I know your pain and if you need someone to talk to, don’t call anyone. Just pour yourself a drink and drown out your sorrow. Trust me, it’s the only thing that works.)

Friends, The Ravens have lost. In ordinary times, this would be a moment of sadness for me, as I have somewhat adopted them as a team. But not on this day, ooooooooh no not this day. The reason for this is the laughter and condescending pats on the head that I got over the past two weeks while I was in the midst of relatively unfathomable sadness. Seriously, even now, I can’t figure out how I’m still alive. Now, most if not all of these people were in some way shape or form Ravens fans. And, friends, misery may love company but what it loves even more is the sense of smug satisfaction that one gets from seeing someone suffering the exact same thing they taunted you for.

I have always felt this way, but it was only in the past half decade did I become acquainted with the fact that the Germans have a word for this. That word is Schadenfreude, meaning “pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.” Now, I have always felt that when we start a Moon colony, we should send Germans. This is not because I think they would be better at surviving the Lunar lack of climate, but because of the fact that they have to be the most miserable people in the world. Americans would go crazy because of boredom or moon zombies, but the German people have imbedded in their language that warm feeling in your heart you get at the vanquishing of your foes. They would see a moon zombie and probably say “At least now I have company. And now I must kill you. Goodbye my friend (KABLOW or more likely silence since moon guns probably don’t make noise)” Schadenfreude is clear evidence of this. There is a word in the German language that means licking up the tears of unfathomable sadness (to use the parlance of our times). If you want a visual representation of this, look no further than the our friend Cartman, 1:50 for the whole story, 2:50 for the anguished realization, and 3:50 for the sweetest of tears:

http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/104191/chili-con-carnival

Now, I sit with the grim smile of Schadenfreude on my lips. I know that it can’t bring back what I’ve lost, but you’ve lost something too my mocking friend. Enjoy the moment of your greatest despair.