iOS and the New LSU Offense

Team,

Just downloaded the new update for the iPhone.  This looks like a bad Lady Gaga video.  Don't get me wrong; I believe that pastels were God's way of showing us that he cares about us and that He wants summer time to be both fashionable and comfortable.  He is an accommodating God, and he wants the best for us.  But seriously, am I the only that wants to eat my iPhone everytime I unlock it?  Everything looks like a really delicious treat that you would give a child.  It's brightly colored, and dynamic, and moves around.  It's like a candy cane made of crack.  Sweet, delicious crack.

Now, we all know that Apple did away with making things look like real life things.  Like the planner or the calculator.  They looked like sh-t that you would see in real life.  This is called a "skeumorph," a word you don't know the meaning of until now because the American educational system has failed you, and thus, you are a dumb-ss.  But they did away with that.  So how do you make a calculator not look like a calculator?  Pastels, b-tches.  That's how.  And you make the numbers not squares but squares with rounded edges because who that g-dd-mn f-ck would make a calculator with squares with rounded edges for buttons?  That's how you do it.

Which leads me, obviously, to the LSU offence.  This is the same hardware as the previous iteration.  Same strong armed quarterback, same platoon of evil large men who enjoy contact and love to "rumble" down the field.  But in comes Cam Cameron, which if you've been in Baltimore and somehow listened to sports radio during that time you will think is a sign of the g-dd-mn apocolypse.  No one, and I mean no one in this town thinks that that man should have respect.  They treat him like the crazy uncle at Thanksgiving.  "Oh, there's uncle Cam again, taking his pants off, just letting it all hang out because it's turkey carving time which means everyone needs to see his dong."  That is what Baltimore thinks of Cam Cameron.  They believe that this man is a a gift from God, if that God were vengeful, hateful, and wanted to destroy you by taking away your pint size running back and making him run screens.  So he comes to LSU, and place that has been mired in offensive impotence for as long as I care to remember.  And he just whips out this vertical passing game and multiple formations.  These are things that don't belong on an LSU team.  These are the squares with rounded edges on your calculator.  And guess what?  It feels wierd to be like, you know, maybe I like squares with rounded edges on my calculator, but really the square root of 25 is still 5 so maybe a W is a W WHOCARESGEAUXTIGERSRAWWWWWWWWWWR.

And that's how iOS is like the New LSU offense.

Game of the Week (sadly): LSU vs. Auburn
Winner:  The Tigers (hahahahahahahahahaha that joke is so horrible we should go back in time and euthanize the first person who came up with it, unless it's the grandpa who tells you stories about "the war" because that man is a veteran and he should be respected.
Loser:  All of America for having to watch this terrible game.
Hopeful Final Score: Apple Stock price when Steve Jobs died vs. Apple stock price now.