Oh, hi there. Didn't see you voyeuristic-ally looking in. But it's OK, I loved it.
But lets talk about real sh-t. I'm talking about recruiting violations. Talkin' bout Crazy Leslie slangin aforementioned dolla bills at high schoolers, hollerin' at the finest girls the Midwest has to offer (which is...Warren Buffett? I really don't know what Midwestern girls look like. So I'm going to assume they look like an 80 year old bajillionaire) askin' 'em to make sex to these here recruits 'cause, y'all we gotta win us a championship.
Sports Illustrated. You can't have it both ways. Les Miles is either a mentally handicapped football coach who has to wear a high hat so tight on his head because he still has an open fontanel and the old brain parts might spill out if he doesn't have it strapped on REAAAAAAAAAAL TIGHT or is he a smooth talking time wizard who can orchestrate a fundraising/grade-giving/sex-making recruiting machine for only the choicest recruits, which if true and it was hidden for like 10 years means that it was not only like planning D-Day every year but also recreating an Enigma machine to keep it all super double secret.
Answer: THAT IS NOT LES MILES. Neither is it Mike "I'm a man, I'm damn near 50" Gundy. That man is too busy trying to ward off an impending stroke from watching his team give up a thirty spot to UTSA, which is a borderline offensive name with Texas trying to just butt its way into USA. But lets be honest, that's so Texas.
But lets hit some more real talk: This ALLEGED (and this is the type of "alleged" reserved for court rooms and Ray Lewis murders) impropriety actually isn't really that bad. Gnaw on this piece of thought-jerky for a moment:
As a basis of comparison, the five star mathletes at LSU can get the following scholarhip:
1. A job provided by the university that they barely go to (and when that human did they listed to that hott new Outkast CD. HEEEEY YAAAAAH) and still got paid for (which was much more than $50 for a forced fumble, because, Louisiana...corruption...OPEC)
2. A stipend that paid for beer or football tickets or fraternity dues or something.
3. Free room and board
4. TAs or Professors if for whatever reason they needed them.
5. A cool five hundo or a grand (not really sure which) if you were a valedictorian
6. No sex or drugs, but really, at LSU all you have to do is "be alive" and you can acquire ample supplies of both.
It almost makes one feel bad for student athletes. Which is probably why I (I MEAN SOMEONE) did Matt Flynn's portion of a presentation when we (I MEAN THAT PERSON AND MATT FLYNN) were in a small group. RUHROW NCAA VIOLATION.
Also, you can get paid for all of your brain-work unlike athletes who can't get paid for autographs. Granted tutoring the ACT aint as glamorous as getting carpel tunnel from signing 600 autographs, but it pays roughly the same. And probably as much effort, because how do you tutor the verbal section of the ACT? IT'S READING. ARE YOU LITERATE? THEN LITERATE THIS PORTION OF THE TEST AND YOU WILL BE FINE. Facts.
So while maybe not being an athlete won't make you a million dollars a year, if you're smart enough to be a five-star mathlete you might not be ridin' dirty on twenties or whatever size of axle-wheel-attachment is hott on the streets, you'll probably do just fine. Or alternatively if you're that smart, you may just make all of the money. Look at the Dow Jones. From what I hear it's just crushing the NASDAQ or Yen or something, and if you put like a dollar in it now it's going to be worth $100 million when you're 67. #economics. You also don't get 20-30 years of life expectancy just snatched up because your job description for 5-15 years was standing in front of semis and you know, just sort of trying to (often unsuccessfully) dodge them. Now, no one is going to be able to figure out Terry Bradshaw pre and post TBI because, seriously, have you listened to the man? But he knows, and so would you if you job was akin to just hanging out at truck stops and running in front of Mack Trucks yelling "SURPRISE" when they pulled up for some gas and, lets be honest, some meth.
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Game of the Week: TEXA$ AM vs. the Bigoted Arsehole of Mainland America (BAMA)
Oregon Trail Pick: Bama by a wagon axle
Over/Under of Shots of AJ Macaroon's Girlfriend Being Successful at Attractiveness: 5, or as many as "The Musberger" demands
Ideal Game Outcome: Day After Tomorrow or Armageddon on the stadium during the game. I will also settle for "The Core" and the ending of "Numbers" if only relegated to College Station
Star of the Game: National Institutes of Health, Traumatic Brain Injury researcher Scott Janis, PhD
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